On the Radio

"We spend a third of our lives, 30 years in bed!" the radio man said. My friend couldn't get over how that made him feel like so much of his life was being wasted, that it could have been put to such better use than just sleeping. He thought it was a waste, that work could have been done during that time, or he could have been at the gym, or playing golf.

At first I felt the same. So much time asleep, while the rest of the world moved on... I started thinking about what I would do with that time. The gym, work, and golf where far from my top choices frankly. I thought that I might read more, but then realized that that puts me to sleep, so maybe I needed to avoid that instead. Eat maybe? No, I get tired after that too, and I'd have to go to the gym more to make up for the extra food I was gorging myself on. I'd just wear myself out there and have to go to bed. So eating and the gym were out too.

I'd like to say that more productive ideas of how to spend my new found 30 years came to mind, but sex was my next though, of course. "I'd probably like to use the extra time for sex," I thought, and if I couldn't find anyone to help me out, I'd be fine just habitually jerking off. It would be like being 20 again... But even sex makes me want to sleep afterward... So no extra sex.

I realized there was a real problem here; everything that extra time was spent on made me just want to go to bed, and that's just what I'm trying to avoid!! Then a thought struck me: What the hell is wrong with sleep?? For the love of god, it's one of my favorite things!! Right up there with sex, food, massage, and good music. I mean, is there a better night than a fantastic dinner with a hot man, mutual massage leading to mind blowing sex to great music (Aretha? Emmylou Lou? Rachmaninoff?) all capped off with... SLEEP!! Curled up next to him, music fading, good food in the belly, post coital afterglow, ASLEEP.

So I had a new thought then; fuck this radio guy and fuck my friend, I'm going to bed. And I'm jerking off first.