Darth Vader, Superman, and Christ's Deposition from the Cross

It is an escapable fact that we are products of the world we live in. We do not live in a vacuum, devoid of influence, but instead we are immersed in a constant barrage of sensations, thoughts and actions, be they our own or those of others. It is the “Nurture” end of the “Nature and Nurture” debate, it is our environment and we are affected by it at all moments of our lives. To discern the effects the world around us has on our own actions and ideas can be exceedingly difficult; how do we objectively view that which we cannot hope to stand outside of and observe? We instead have to make our observations from inside the box, from within our environment, with only our imaginations to help us step outside and gain some perspective.

The history of human kind is a story of our desire to reconcile the things we observe in the world around us with the questions that arise from our experiences. This ability to question that which we see is perhaps the most fundamental difference between us and the rest of life on the planet; or perhaps it is our ability to answer those questions for ourselves that truly sets us apart. Either way, as a consequence of our conscious viewing of our world, we long ago created religion, created myths, created God. To all questions God is the final answer, and is a deeply satisfying answer for most. "Why did _____ happen?" Answer; "God." The concept of God answers all questions, by the very nature of the idea of God, while simultaneously providing that which we desire in all our answers; comfort. The feeling that all is under control, that power exists to give order to that which is chaotic, to provide answers for all questions our conscious minds may create.

Over thousands of years we have added to and refined our religious ideals, creating edifices of extreme complexity and nuance which provide answers to any and all questions presented. The various ideas at the core of our beliefs have permeated culture, again to such a omnipresent degree that we can hardly be aware of their influence. They are everywhere, from birth to death, and we rarely, if ever, question them no matter how strange or thoroughly absurd they may be. For example, why is it that so many find the idea of Athena springing fully formed from the cracked open head of Zeus, or Aphrodite being born of the lopped off genitalia of Uranus falling into the sea comical, weird, childish even, while at the very same moment holding the idea of a virgin birth, parting seas, Sunday resurrections and six headed monsters sacred? These Christian ideals have saturated Western culture, become part of the public consciousness to such a degree that the very lunacy of their details no longer register to our minds. Their influence is immense, despite our lack of conscious awareness of their effects.

Central to the Christian paradigm is the idea of the single omnipotent and omniscient God. Catholics have been kind enough to define three versions of Him; God, the guy sitting up in heaven, Jesus, the manifestation of God that walked on earth, and the Holy Spirit, the unseen, all knowing, omni-present influence of God. While they decided that making these aspects more tangible and defined was their preferred route, these same basic constructs exist within all Christian concepts of a God. He is a person, Jesus was at least part of Him (and thusly was something more than human), and He has influence and power over all things in this world, whether He is seen or unseen. Lodged deep in the social consciousness after generations of exposure to these tenets is the idea that metaphysical power exists beyond what we experience ourselves each day, that people walking the earth can be in possession of that power, and that perhaps somewhere, someone is watching, someone with both the power to create and the power to destroy. We cannot escape the world in which we live, and the ideas swirl around us every moment of every day as our imaginations digest and synthesize this vortex of belief.

Most of the last thousand years of Western civilization revolved around the Church, and around the idea of our lives were lived in service to God, with Jesus our role model and savior. The Church provided for people, and the constant eye of God upon us simultaneously gave us hope for something better, though what were truly horrible conditions for life, and instilled fear of stepping out of line and incurring His wrath. Slowly, as society began to become independent of the Church, with the rise of industrialization, personal wealth, and the Church's failing ability to punish those that stepped outside its rules (for certainly in the end it was the wrath of the Church and not God that was ever incurred) people began to move away from their subservient roll in the world, began to see themselves as individuals interacting in the world around them, instead of secondary creatures being acted upon by God and the world He created.

The Ego began to grow, we began to become autonomous. But the influence of the concept of God, in all its forms and with its many centuries of social influence, did not disappear with our growing sense of self. It was sublimated and made to fit in with the lifestyle we were beginning to adopt; a lifestyle of self sufficiency, of human-centric society, of self rule. We ourselves started to become the focus of our own worship, for the first time in many thousands of years (the Greeks had gone down the same path in ancient history). Nationalism began to flourish, groups of people decided they were superior, that others were inferior, and not because God had decided it was so but because good and evil were perhaps something inherent in the human traits of individuals, God given or not. Good and evil were no longer necessarily the dictate of God, but could be determined by an individual’s abilities and powers as well. A shift from a paradigm centered on deistic strength to one centered on human abilities, strengths and weaknesses had begun.

Even a cursory look at Western history over the last few centuries will throw one into a world of equally spectacular achievements and atrocities, from profound scientific discoveries and invention to mass genocides and complete breakdowns of shared empathetic humanity. It was clear that we were capable of ever new heights of wonder and horror. While acts of great discovery and brutality were nothing new to recent centuries, there are unique qualities to these last few, aspects that had not existed before, mainly in the form of technological advances, though ideological shifts played a decisive role as well. The mass scale of the operations is one new aspect, furthered to a large degree by technological advances making it possible to effect invention and power over a larger area of the world. Technological advances also made it possible to make mass numbers of people aware and conscious of the events of the world, both good and bad. Everyone was made aware through the spread of mass media, ideas could spread like wild fire. Perhaps even more importantly these ideas could linger well beyond the events that had unfolded, in archives and books, where they could be studied and become a part of the social consciousness.

What was growing was a world populated by a strengthening sense of the individual’s power, while the power of religion over people was diminishing, or was at least taking a more subconscious roll in every day life. Interconnectivity was rising with the spread of technology, technologies that combined with various ideologies were creating humanitarian offenses of unprecedented scope. The social consciousness was consistently immersed in the entire affair, gathering and disseminating information around the globe. While word of the grand achievements of man and science certainly grabbed the attention and imagination, there was another force at work pulling us away from the grand and would focus our attention on the abhorrent.

Every idea must have its foil, its logical opposite, for its very definition to make sense. For up must have down, light must have dark, white must have black, and good must have evil. Monotheistic religion has always embraced this fact, with most deistic traditions creating not only a God of infinite good, but some entity of infinite evil. Sublimated just as deeply in the minds of all Christian society as the notion of God and Jesus’ goodness is the notion of Satan’s evil. This was evil as an inherent trait, as a trait known of, accepted and embraced by the evil party. This concept of inherent recognized evil is one profoundly familiar to all in Western culture, despite the ironic fact that most people deemed to be evil would not claim the title if asked. Did Tomas de Torquemada think he was evil, or that he was in fact ridding Europe of evil? Did Mao Tse-tung think of himself as evil, or did he believe he was doing right in the world by killing off tens of millions of Chinese in his bid to bring Communism to China? Of course the grand case of all is Hitler. Did he think of himself as evil? No, like all people we deem evil he had reasons for his actions that he believed were good, however irrational and destructive those beliefs were. While evil may exist, it rarely exists in the minds of the wicked, but resides instead in the minds of their victims.

But this distinction is rarely if ever made, if but because we accept so fully the idea that evil can be an innate trait, that the evil doer can and does know that he is evil, relishes the fact, and acts accordingly. Just as one concept of God is of an unseen, all present force of good in the world, the collective imagination envisions entities of vast evil, waiting to pounce and prey upon us, to harm us and take whatever happiness we may posses away. These visions inspire fear in each of us and in our societies, and for most of history they were completely imaginary creatures like demons, monsters, Satan himself or those he controlled (for example witches). As wars of increasingly heinous duration and carnage or individuals of exceptional brutality increased in the world, and as people’s awareness of their atrocities grew, the faces of evil began to move from the mythic realm and took on human faces, real human faces. Evil was real, there were real people doing horrible things, and our lives could be and were impacted by their evil. A culture of fear was on the rise right along side rise of the culture of the individual, the culture of technology, and the culture of secularism.

We bathe in this world of swirling notions of God, holy power, evil power, human power, and all that these things imply, along with news and information of world events spread in text and later along the airwaves. Our imaginations cannot help but process these factors, to sublimate and recreate our experiences, our desires, our dreams into the world around us. It is our nature to create, and what would we create in this rapidly changing new world?

From a combination of ideas of metaphysical deistic power, scientific power, power of the individual, and a need to face the evils in an ever more fearful world we created Super Heroes. People imbued with powers greater than reality dictated could exist, who could battle forces of fear and evil where we could not. They were something different than previous heroes, people like Sherlock Holmes, the Scarlet Pimpernel or even Tarzan, all of who possessed great skill, but nothing that would quality as a “super power”. Even mythological heroes who possessed abilities akin to the modern Super Hero all derived their powers from some divine source, be they sons or daughters of gods, vessels for the powers of gods, or working magics stemming from divine or demonic sources. The super abilities did not originate from within these individuals, it came from some source outside themselves. Super Heroes have powers intrinsic to their very beings, deriving either from within themselves or from some man-made event.

In the 20^th century, we found ourselves often powerless in the face of the events around the world. In past centuries we had looked to the power of God to help us through the times we felt powerless, but God had moved farther and farther from the social consciousness, pushed away from real world events into a metaphysical realm of religiosity. There he dealt with biblical evils, while we were left to deal with the human evils of nuclear bombs, genocide, Communists, and curiously, as we looked toward the vastness of space, space invaders. While these things might have been said to be “Godless”, they were hardly “of the Devil” and for that reason hardly up to God to come down and fix. Especially in the case of space invaders, who have been relatively devoid of links to religion, though their links to Communists are interestingly many.

In the face of these terrifying events and the people behind them, our imaginations ran wild. Just as we created Super Heroes to battle the evils of the world, we also went to work creating foes equally as compelling and powerful for our new gods to do battle with. The Super Villain became as integral to the idea of Super Heroes as the heroes themselves, at times taking on personas larger and even more lasting. If asked to name one character from the Star Wars movies, can we guess who would most often be named? Darth Vader looms far more pervasively in our public consciousness than the whiney Luke Skywalker ever will, certainly more than the suave (but superpower-less) Hans Solo. Other Super Villains of note who nearly eclipse their Super Hero counterparts include Magneto of the X-Men, the Joker (at least in the first Batman movie), and comically, Dr. Evil from Austin powers. The Super Villain gives a face to the unseen evil in the world, an evil that knows itself and revels in its own heinousness.

Our sense of powerlessness leads us to create those that are powerful, just as thousands of years ago we created the notion of God, Jesus and Satan when faced with a world we did not understand and which we had little to no power over. We created Super Heroes, once again as reflections of ourselves, with power to defend and defeat the evil we faced in the world. These individuals had replaced God, and even Jesus, in our minds as forces of good that acted upon the earth to fight the forces of evil. For matters of spiritual crisis, Jesus was your go to man, but if a nuclear irradiated super bug being controlled by a sociopathic mad man were your trouble, Jesus was hardly who you called.

Adding to the appeal of the Super Hero was something that neither God nor even Jesus had; Super Heroes are us, they are human. While Jesus may be the prototypical Man With Super Power, even Jesus is seen to be a manifestation of God, or at best a human being who was begot by God. He is removed from us, he resides on another plain, he is divine and we are not. Super heroes may have a multitude of sources for their power, but none of those sources are divine. In the end they are human beings like the rest of us*, and this adds an interesting new twist to the story; we want to be them.

(*This I believe is one of the reasons we have seen a falling off in the popularity of Superman; he is an alien. He is not human, no matter how much he may look like us and act like us, in the end he is an alien. He is distanced from us, we can never be like him. But the X-Men? Spiderman? Batman? The TV show Heroes? They are all us, we can be them.)

We all want to be super, to possess power over the world in which we reside, and with the idea of the Super Hero suddenly we can be. No longer do we need divine intervention, which was becoming less and less desirable as God became more and more removed from our sense of reality. We no longer believed in the divine as real and tangible, so why should be put the hopes of our own ascension to greatness in it? A simple radiation experiment gone wrong, cellular mutations, spider bites, genetic manipulation; all these things could now lead to our becoming super, to our having power over our world, power that we do not currently posses. These causes were things we experienced, tangibly and physically in our every day lives, we could believe in them because we knew they were real, whether the imagined fantastic results of these things were realistic or not. Instead of some unseen “god”, we had science on our side.

Any religious person reading this would have by now certainly been overcome with anxiety over the idea that we as a people are moving away from a God-centric society, only to replace our supreme roll models with mere humans with laser beams zipping from their eyeballs. So for their sake it will be asked; what are the ramifications of replacing the Divine with the Human?

By its nature the divine (setting the Christian paradigm of the divine as our own here) is separate from us, it is beyond us, it is something that while me may aspire to reach, it will never be us and we can never hope to become divine ourselves. This has both negative and positive influences. On the negative side, since it is removed from our humanity we ultimately cannot relate to it on a human level. It will always be something other than we are, always separate always distant, always out of reach. Instead we relate ourselves to the divine through our imagination, through or drives and desires for comfort, power, and answers, not through any shared common humanity. Combine our inherent separation from the divine with its intrinsic and pervasive power structure and you have breeding ground rife with instability. Here is an institution with vast power over our imaginations, yet it is always beyond our grasp. This instability often leads to forms of delusions, like religious fundamentalism and beliefs of an individual or a group’s own divinity. Also, as with any removed and dominating power source, there is the possibility of simple rebellion, like a child acting out against an overly domineering parent, an act which quite often takes an unhealthy bend.

There is an interesting benefit to this separation we have from the divine though, especially in the context of hero worship. Since the divine is something beyond the scope of our own humanity, we don’t often feel real pressure to BE a god. We may be pressured to act in a way “pleasing to God”, much like pleasing a parent, but not often are we asked to walk on water, rain lightening bolts down on wrong doers, or create existence. These things are clearly beyond our powers, and while flights of whimsy and imagination may make us wonder about having those powers (and occasionally the insane think they do), we don’t usually have to deliver on the goods.

Is this case the same when it comes to super human powers, as opposed to super divine powers? We all feel today the pressure to be more than we are, to run ever faster, to jump higher, to know more, to read faster, to program more code, to make more, more and then more. We are being pushed to ever higher standards. Our base knowledge of subjects across the board is expected to be higher than ever before in human history, and to compete in the workplace we must face off against those who have elevated their skills often to near super human levels. We are often told that there will “always be someone better than we are”, but now that someone is sitting in the cubical next to ours, and we are being compared to them.

Those that do seem to possess super human gifts (prodigy musicians, spelling bee winners, kids graduating at 14 and going to Harvard) are often worshiped in a way quite similar to the way we worship our Super Heroes; we marvel at them, we wish we could do what they do. But since these people are actual human beings and not fictional characters we also envy them, and often despise them. It is the fiction in Super Heroes, like the fiction in God, that keeps envy at bay. Certainly if God were sitting next to us in class or at work, we would not feel so reverent about Him, but may be filled the opposite emotion when he waves his hands over his SAT’s and gets a perfect score while we struggle our way through our 14^th syllogism. We can’t help but compare ourselves to those with abilities greater than our own. As we compare ourselves to other people with great skill we often find ourselves lacking, since they are human just like us and we should be able to do what they can do.

Do we in fact do the same with the fictional characters though?

If fact yes, we find ourselves lacking in the face of Super Heroes as well. We think “if only I was like that, then I could effect change. But I am not like that, and so I can’t.” We feel powerless and helpless in the face of the world’s greater problems, wishing we had more influence and power than we have, looking at characters that do, and imagining ourselves as sub par. We have sublimated both the “super” and the “sub” into ourselves, believing ourselves simultaneously capable of super powers and wildly inferior since we fail to have them.

How powerful are we though? What are the limits of human ability? Does our desire for super human powers make us over look those powers we can actually posses? We will never fly, we will never shoot lasers from our eyes, we will never control the weather with our minds let alone lift an object with it, we will never have a prehensile tail, we will not shoot webs from our hands. We will not even have a utility belt that allows us to swing from roof tops and battle the forces of evil with our amazing karate skills. These things are works of fiction, our imaginations at their best. We created God and we created Superheroes, out of a desire to ourselves be something more.

Take for example a woman interviewed on an episode of the radio show This American Life, who set as her goal learning all the skills she would need to be a super hero; martial arts, flight training, survival training, gymnastics, etc.etc. She spent most of her teens and twenties marking things off the long list of abilities she had compiled. She achieved nearly all of them too, and then set out to apply for the job she thought would most allow her to use those abilities; a job with the CIA. Despite all her considerable skills and abilities, she was turned down, twice, with no reason given either time. She ended up going to work with a private investigation firm, traveling the globe pulling off risky missions of investigation and manipulation. During her interview with the radio producer, as she was about to leave for another trip to Central America, a potentially dangerous trip, she sat down in the airport and had a small breakdown. Because she was afraid of the possible danger? No, because she was afraid the people she met there would not like her.

The interviewer did not dive any deeper into the psyche of the woman, but instead let the story speak for itself. While any human’s drives and desires are more often than not complex beyond measure, one thing was clear here; despite her near “super powers”, in the end what she feared most was not being liked. In the end, despite all our desires for super powers for the protection of the world, it is ourselves we wish to protect and save.

We desire something to look up to, something we see as bigger and better than ourselves. This may be merely a byproduct of the Judeo-Christian tradition we are raised in, but it seems to be more of an innate trait we possess, part of the social bonding process we are genetically encoded for. Through much of Western culture’s history it was God and Jesus that we looked up to most, these divine and amazing creations of our imaginations that made us feel safe and powerful, and who we could try to emulate and aspire to become, even if it was only in our imaginations.

With the rise of a more secular population, and even more importantly a more inherently secular view of the world held by even religious people, the supremacy of religious models has fallen away, deposed by our latest creations, our heroes and villains. We desired something new, something closer to ourselves, something tangible yet still greater than us and equally able to protect or terrify. More like us, more human, more attainable, more rooted in our current real world, they capture our imaginations and our emotions more than even God can at this point. Our hero worship is based on our desire to be something more than we are and to have power over a world in which our power is seemingly little. We emulate them, we imagine what our own super powers would be, how we would effect our worlds with that power, and how we would be safer and better liked if we had them.

We have more power than we give ourselves credit for though. We may never fly by ourselves, but we have created machines that take us to the skies and beyond. We can’t stop bullets with our chests, but we can stop them from being fired with some empathy and some intelligent diplomacy. The powers that we do posses in our lives may not capture our imaginations quite the way shape shifting, telekinesis, space/time continuum manipulation, or unfettered physical strength do, but we are not powerless over our worlds. Will we take part in the world around us? Will we effect change through the powers we do posses; the power to communicate, to empathize, to imagine, to love.

We can choose to be super if we wish to be, the question is; will we choose to be a super hero or choose to be a super villain? The world is in our hands, no Gods or Super Heroes will appear to bail us out, and the only villains out there are ourselves. The choices we will make will save us or destroy us, and it is our imaginations that will shape our choices and tell the story.

Animal Planet

WARNING:

It seems we are driving the animals of the planet crazy....

And lest you think that the death of Steve "Cocodile Hunter" Erwin was just as freak accident, we have this which says otherwise. Stingrays want us dead, the invasion has begun...

The venerable Steven Colbert has been warning us for some time about the danger of bears (not, of course, the sexy human variety, but the "godless killing machine" ones). In this clip we have a chilling warning; the bears are on their way, hide yourself, and your monkeys.

So please watch all pets, woodland creatures, sea going organisms (monstorous or otherwise), airborne critters, and anything else we tend to fuck with. They've been pushed too far, and they're coming for us. "A dingo ate my baby!!" will soon seem quite quaint, quaint indeed. Mark my words.

I must now go, I hear the sqirrels gathering outside. They must be stopped, before they attack again....

"Death to the Infidels!!"

Often in life there are moments when reality, in whatever form, strikes. What follows that strike may be a eureka moment, perhaps in the bathtub, with light bulb over head (please beware of possible electric shock), or it may leave you stricken and bleeding on the ground. Either way life will not look quite the same again after reality lifts the curtain of ignorance, or innocence, and there's no turning back. Unless delusion is your preferred route, which for many is quite often the case.

I bring up this fact of striking reality because of an interesting memory that came back to me today, from over 15 years ago. Why it popped up today I haven't the foggiest clue, but it made me smile, and it seemed timely, so I figured I'd blog it.

15 years ago I was in the 7th grade, at the venerable East Valley Middle School. My first three periods of class were taken up with Mrs. Jacobsen, a petite, thin woman with sharp angular features, very dark brown curly hair, and a unique, engaging, and effective teaching style. For example, if you insulted someone there was a teddy bear at the front of the class, you had to go up to it, hug it, and apologize to the bear, while the entire class watched raptly, giggling. At the age of 13, NO ONE wants to be subjected to that kind of humiliation, and after the first person had to do it (my friend Kyle, I remember it like it was yesterday) no one ever threw another insult the rest of the year.

Social Studies was one of our periods with Mrs. Jacobsen, and it was obvious that was her favorite subject. She was well traveled and obviously interested in the world and its people, in all their various shapes, colors, and creeds. She told us stories, all of us 12-13 years old, about the bus drivers in Russia who kept their giant bottles of Vodka behind their seats, close at hand to take a swig at every stop. They were completely drunk, 24/7, and happily behind the wheel of a large city bus full of people. She told it to us like it was, our young ages be damned, because it seemed she thought the truth was more important than our innocence, and to this day I respect her deeply for that.

The memory that came back to me today revolved around a project we were given on Middle East politics. A chunk of the class, about 10 people, was divided into two groups, the Israelis and the Palestinians. We were then sent to the library to look up information about the two groups, we were only given the hint that there was some sort of conflict between them. We were supposed to put on a mock diplomatic meeting a few days later, where the two groups would discuss options and perhaps even a solution to the conflict.

We of course knew nothing about the Middle East, the Israelis or the Palestinians, let alone about any particulars of some conflict that was going on, or how it could or could not be resolved. We looked up information in books, but it was a middle school library, all warm and fuzzy information, about global location, happy cultural traits and fabulously innocuous anecdotes. No young mind could be warped and twisted by evil truth and honesty. We gathered our information, gleaning the fact that the conflict revolved around both sides wanting control of the land in the area, with specific desire given to Jerusalem. To our 13 year old innocent minds the solution was profoundly simple; give half of it to the Israelis, half to the Palestinians. This would include dividing Jerusalem in half, not unlike dividing a cookie in half to give to your friend at lunch. It was flawless; a perfect solution to this little conflict, each side deeply satisfied with their half of the yummy cookie that was their country, munching away contentedly.

We presented our idea, complete with a map of the place split right in half, with smiles, hand shakes and diplomacy the likes the world as never seen. But someone was not content. By a few minutes into the presentation it was obvious Mrs. Jacobsen was not pleased, her jaw was about to hit the desk and she could barely contain herself until we finished (which I don't think we did, I believe she finally had had it and stopped us before we finished). She was appalled. She accused us of not finding any information about the subject. We were supposed to dress up to play our parts, and we all came in wearing jackets and ties, and this she said was obvious proof that we had not studied for this at all. We countered saying we looked up everything we could find in the library, and even showed her the book that said Palestinians dress much like Western people do, with jackets and ties. They are just like us! the book said. She told us to go home, ask our parents about the situation, and come back tomorrow with a new presentation.

So we did. And of course reality, in all its splendor, head dresses and improvised bombs descended upon us. The next day we arrived, the Israelis in jackets and ties (and one Yakima even), and the Palestinians in sheets and makeshift head scarves. I was the lead Palestinian, and I quickly lit into the Israelis for stealing our land, called them various names such as pig dogs, did it all in a terrible accent, and finished off with a rousing "Death to the infidels!!" to boot. The Israelis responded that they would sooner die than give an inch of ground to the Palestinians, and the entire thing descended into a near mock fist fight, all of us having the time of our lives. Mrs. Jacobsen was quite trilled.

Our profoundly political (in)correct performance was a wild success, we all got A's, disturbing though the entire thing seems now. We then had an in-depth discussion of the issues after the presentation, and by the end everyone in the class was clear as to why our first presentation had been so off base.

Now with the weight of 15 years behind me, I look back at that experience and am amazed at it all. We believed so easily and assuredly that our first solution was perfect, and we had no idea why those silly Israelis and Palestinians hadn't just split the entire thing long ago. We were so innocent and naive, and it was beautiful. Reality struck us though, the light bulb lit, and we were all quite shocked.

The final thought I had today, before I smiled to myself nostalgically and moved on, was a simple one; if only no one, Israeli, Palestinian, or otherwise, raised their children to know the reality of the terrible situation over there, that a religious blood feud of vast irrational proportions had raged for years, there would be no terrible situation left. Young people don't care about such things. We were happy to all work together, us play-acting Jews and Muslims, to share our cookies happily and equally. We had no desire to fight; we didn't see the point in it.

Today I understand the reality of the situation more deeply, as we all sadly do, but I frankly still don't see the point.

Camera Phones FTW

When I replaced my cell phone earlier this year, the one thing I wanted was a decent camera phone, since there were too many times while in possession of my other phone that Kodak Moments were missed. I have used the camera many times, and here are some of the results.


Biker Bear in Vancouver, Canadia

















These bears were all around the street of Vancouver, B.C., last May on a trip I made to our neighbors in the north. This one in particular caught our eye. My friend Rodney and I were smitten.


Creations from the Dark Side


These horrifying monuments to human bad taste were for sale in the quaint town of Leavenworth, Washington. Yes, that is a shelf on that woman's boobs, and apart from the Neverland Ranch I see no place in existence where those toilet paper holders should reside. But they must bring someone, somewhere, joy and for that I am happy.












Target Practice

















This from the back side of the urinal troff (yes, that's right) at the Seattle Eagle. I have pissed on him many times and I can tell you it's one of the most satisfying experiences one can have in all of Seattle. I recommend a trip there immediately. Drink extra beer for increased ammo.


Last But By No Means Least


















The shear number of comments that can be made about this sign, from the window of the Honolulu Tower Hooters, is staggering. My mind reels. I will let it speak for itself and only pose this one question; do the Hooters get sore from all the kids they have to feed, all day, every day?

What's that smell?

"God is dead"

Nietzsche's lantern carrying sage descended from the mountains with that message, his dismay at being ignored overcome by calm when he realized "Oh... I have come to soon." And he certainly had, that was over 100 years ago. It was scandalous at the time, and probably only the fact that during his lifetime Nietzsche's writings were not particularly popular kept more harm from not being leveled his way. Character assassination was about the best that could be done as he had first gone crazy then died long before his works became standard reading. Interestingly, that same statement would again be equally as scandalous today amongst many in the mainstream, certainly to our glorious president it would be, though I'd like to hope he doesn't represent the mainstream (but I fear to an extent he does). In the roughly 120 years since it's publication, has God really died any more?

I wonder this because of a book I too am now reading, the End of Faith. I'm having a difficult time getting through it because I'm finding so much to loath about humanity in it. I knew about the Spanish Inquisition, the various witch "trials" throughout Europe and the early U.S., but reading graphic details of what people did to other people in those times was unreal. And all done in the name of Jesus and the protection of "society", "children", and "our neighbors". If there is any doubt as to the equanimity of Christian insanity and Muslim insanity, one need only pick up a history book. But certainly that will not happen, since the only book the modern citizen needs is the Bible, right?

A few years ago I was teaching at a summer music camp in Spokane, WA. Being fairly rural (despite it's size of nearly 600,000 people) and near to Idaho, there are various fundamental sects all around the area. I grew up running into them often enough, as well as run of the mill mainstream fanatics, the ones that seem so normal until they start to talk (you know, the president's "base"). One of those I ran into at the music camp, she was a violinist and we struck up a conversation before lunch. We continued it through all of lunch and the break afterward, about an hour and a half worth. While there were many highlights to the insanity, this one still sticks out in my mind;

"You can't have too open a mind, or the thoughts will fall out."

This girl, who was about 17, was bright and articulate, obviously talented and smart, but also from a profoundly fundamentalist family. When I heard her say that I had the thought trumpet through my mind "Oh... I've come too late."

I've thought of her comment many times while I've read, since it seems to be the underlying philosophy for most of humanity, whether they would admit it or not, and I'm finding it wildly disturbing. While I would like to be able to sit back and say "bah, let the crazies do what they will, I'll do my thing they can do theirs," I can't. Religion has become outdated, superfluous, and downright dangerous, and this I've been reminded of after reading only 1/4 of the book. God's time has come, and it's time for humanity to open their minds and stop worshiping over a rotting corpse.

Because really God has been dead for a very long time now, we've just become used to the smell.

Late Night Ode

I sat down to write in my little red book last night, the one that has "journal" etched on the front, but that has been used as one very infrequently. Mostly it's filled with random aphorisms, ideas for books, and the occasional ranting, but rarely anything "journal" like. It was about 10:30pm, Hawai'i time, on Sept. 5th. That means it was about 1:30am, Seattle time, on Sept. 6th. I'm in Hawai'i right now, so I'm three hours in the past, depending of course on where the present happens to reside. Since it was the day that it was, and now is, I chose to reside the present in Seattle, which made it my birthday, last night and all day today.

Birthdays and New Years. They may as well be the same thing, don't you think? Each are a measurement of time, divided annually, one marks the year of "It" ("It" is 2006 years old), the other marks the year of "I" ("I" am 28 years old). In the spirit of conservation, I would argue for a combining of the two, saving on greeting cards, but making the birthday paramount I think by answering the question "What year is It?",with "Who the fuck cares?! I'M 28!!"

Conservation in this case sucks though, and in that bad way that binding underwear and bad driving suck, not in the good way that, well... other things suck. Two days (unless you are unfortunate enough to be a Dec. 31st/Jan. 1st baby, to whom I say "couldn't mom have pushed a little earlier or held you in a bit longer??" -sigh- it's a shame....) for reflection, celebration, meditation, inbibation, the -tion of your choice really, are better than one in my book.

Every New Year I think about the year that has passed. All the events, the happenings, the ups, the downs, the side to sides. It's very external, reaching inward. How has the year effected, and affected, me? What will next year be like? Who will I kiss at midnight, will he be cute, and what will that portend for the rest of the new year? You know, the important questions. And everyone else is along for the same ride, it's very communal and global.

Birthdays though... they are different. No one else is celebrating that day for themselves, they are celebrating for you. It's your day, and it's a day to think about yourself and your world. It's about inward looking outward now, about how you effected and affected your year, how you have changed and how you will be changed in the next year. It's a milestone that while others may see it, only you can feel.

Christmas is what it is (we love it but we hate it, you know what I mean), Thanksgiving can be fun, but I don't know why every day can't be full of good food, family, friends, and thanksgiving (and pumpkin pie... /drool) and there isn't much of a milestone quality to it. Valentine's day is great, if you have someone to be great with, otherwise it is a searing needle in the eye reminding you of your loneliness, and Easter is merely a farce.

I prefer birthdays and new years to them all. For both I've been in Hawai'i, by design mostly, and through the kindness of others the design has come to pass, and there's no other place I'd rather be for either. For whatever the hardships of the last year, either It's year or My year, I'm with people I love in a place I love, and it makes me feel like My year can only continue to get better.

Thanks to you both
XOXOXOX

Uniform Antipathy

I do not go for uniforms, as a rule. I find them somewhat silly, packed with a bit of pretension and superiority, and most of the time they look flatly ridiculous. I make it a rule to not wear them, though when forced I will certainly strap on a ridiculous vest or a multi-colored scarf to play the part I'm asked to play. But I take little joy in it.

Last weekend I went against my aversion to uniforms and threw on a nifty number for a Big Gay Cruise, part of the Northern Exposure 6 Weekend of Wild Gay Debauchery and Fundraising. I have realized that the only time I am ok with putting on a uniform is when I find it hot, and when I think others might as well. So, I rounded up a kilt (black), put on a studded black belt, pulled out my "I'm Huge in Japan" black t-shirt, threw on dark grey socks and some black shoes. You may note the absence of underwear, for who am I to shirk hundreds of years of Scottish tradition?!? And did I say it was a Big Gay Cruise of Wild Gay Debauchery? Yes, so the underwear was left at home.

I trucked it out of the house, late since I had over-slept a bit. Knowing parking is outrageously bad down by the docks, I quickly grabbed a vacated parking spot about 5 blocks up the hill from the waterfront, just north of Pioneer Square in downtown Seattle. I knew it would be a bit of a walk, and I frankly felt a bit odd walking down the street in my decidedly hot outfit. Odd because I was certain the gays would like it, but the rest of the public may not be ready for the hotness.

Sure enough, at the second intersection I got to, while stopped by the little red hand and speeding traffic, some people appeared on the far side, looking at me while we all waited. Have you ever noticed that when you wear dark sunglasses and people can't see your eyes they have a much higher tendency to either look at you or lean into their friends, point and whisper about you? Well, I have noticed that, and I noticed them leaning into their friends, pointing and whispering. They were three teenagers, all decked, head to toe in Mariners regalia. Behind them were two more adults, in even deeper Mariner Drag.

As I walked across the intersection, head held high and hoping a stiff wind did not suddenly come up and expose my naughty bits to all of southern downtown, the teenagers walked by silently, either seeing a kindred spirit or wanting to wait until they were behind my back to make comments, I don't know. The adults were not so obliging. The man had a very odd look on his Mariners Baseball Cap shielded face, like he was either deeply incredulous or farting in his Mariners Baseball Pants, perhaps he was doing both. The woman was outright snickering, her Mariners Baseball Authentic Replica Jersey bouncing ever so slightly as her Mariners Baseball Official Tote was clutched slightly tighter.

As they passed, I looked over through my dark sunglasses and with a very slight smile said,

"Nice outfits."

Redundant

From our friends at the Gay Games. This cracked me up, I couldn't help but post it. For more pictures of the fabulous festivities visit Outsports.

Love

Haha! Amen Spok.

Calgon.... give me some grapes.

So I am a bit stressed. The concert previously posted penultimately is the source, and while all is moving ahead smoothly toward its execution, it is a stressful journey. I was sent this today though, and it has given me more than a moment of stress relief, as only a good absurd laugh can. Enjoy!

Did you hear about the duck that walked into a store and said, "Do you have any grapes?" The guy says no. Duck goes home, comes back the next day, says "Do you have any grapes?" Again, guy says no. Duck goes home. Comes back next day, and says "Do you have any grapes?" Again the guy says "NO." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The guy says, "NO, and if you ask me one more time I'm going to nail your goddam webbed feet to the floor!!!!". The duck goes home. The next day he comes back and says, "Do you have any nails?" The guy says "No." The duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"

Now that's funny.

Come one, come all!

In the fabulous PC picture manipulation and transfer process, it got a little blurry, it looks far better in real life :) Come hear the concert and I'll show you.

THANK GOD!!

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that I can't get out of my head. It said;

THANK GOD!!
Your mother was pro-life!!

Interesting...

I didn't know she had wanted to abort me.

The Porcelain Odyssey

"If one's home is their kingdom, then we all know where the throne room is.

The throne room here has been an ongoing work in progress, with a new floor, molding, paint job, medicine cabinet, towels and decorative accessories. Today the Royal Water Vestibule, where The Teeth are brushed, the Hands are washed, and the Spit is spat was ripped from the wall, and the sounds of rejoicing t'wer heard upon the land. "

This is how I started this post a few days ago when the Vestibule of Satan and Hell Fire Project was first begun. I was happy then, full of high hopes..... so happy....

Now I am a pent up ball of frayed, frustrated nerves and sore muscles. There have been 5 trips to Home Depot (it is not just around the block either). Each trip I buy new things to try to make this all work, and each trip merely compounds my frustration and lowers my bank account. My eye started to switch today after, yet again, the feed hoses handed to me were the wrong size. Like in the movies, when the person is about to snap and take everyone out in a fit of telekinetic powers and pigs blood, and their eye, just one, twitches, proving that the unjust stress they have suffered has finally pushed them too far. Just like that. :|

But the end is near I think. The latest hose problem was merely that some brilliant person put the wrong hose back in the 1/2" - 3/4" compression slot, because one of them is the correct size. I new valves I have are lesbians too, so I need to get them a Double Headed Dildo Adapter (hey, talk to Home Depot about their product names, not me) so that they can couple up and make sweet fanny pack love to the wall pipe. After that, I believe we're home free. The light is at the end of the tunnel.

Let's just hope, as my esteemed clarinet professor used to say, the light is not the oncoming train.

Taking out the garbage

The last 24 hours have been, well... somewhat indescribable. But I will make an attempt at it.

In addition to teaching The Music to The Kids, I also do The Catering for The Rich People. I work for my good friend Steve the Caterer, who's quite good at The Catering and thus caterers for The Rich People here in Seattle. Two events were going on yesterday, one for the Nordstroms and one for Children's Hospital of Seattle. I worked the latter of the two, and the event was hosted at the home of Lenny Wilkens and his wife.

Knowing that few people read this blog, and that I know all of you who do, I think an explanation of who Lenny Wilkens is is in order, as I don’t expect you will know who he is. That makes me giddy, but that’s another story. Lenny Wilkens is a former pro basketball player, former coach of the Seattle Super Sonics, and former coach of the New York Nicks. He took both teams to the national championships where they won. He's won numerous awards and has been voted "Best This" and "Best That" over the years. Upon mentioning to some people that I have catered events at his house, they have nearly fallen out of their seats begging to know if would ever be going back and if I could get an autograph and that they would gladly sacrifice their first born child for it and they began drawing pentagrams on my floor to make deals with devil right then and there, blah blah blah blah....

I couldn't care less. Basketball is not something I’m interested in, in the slightest, nor the people who play it, how ever famed they may be. This guy is quiet, doesn't say much, seems perfectly nice, but is really just a regular man who's rolling in basketball cash. His wife is an obsessive compulsive borderline lunatic who's rolling in basketball cash with her husband. She follows us around her house cleaning with Windex each surface we touch, and we're not allowed to get water on the floor of the kitchen. No water on the floor of the kitchen. That's not sane. These are not people to worship and beg for autographs. They are just as crazy as the next person.

In any case, their house is huge, they have more money than they can spend, some people worship them, and they live quite the life. Now and again we serve them fancy food. And we do the same for many other filthy rich people in Seattle. I've been in homes with kitchens larger than my entire apartment, with cabinetry that is worth more than I will make in 3 years of work, and with art work and statuary that is worth more than I will make in 30 years. It is the most comically hideous crap you've even laid your eyes on too. For example, the trio of bronze jack rabbits at one woman's estate, where one is a normal huddled rabbit, one is "jumping" but looks like it's full on pooping (you have to look twice at its butt cause you're sure there's going to be little bronze rabbit poop falling out of it), and two that are fucking. Yes, fucking. And these sit on her lawn, and are only the hideous beginning.

Money offers them many things, like security, and trips to anywhere they wish to go, but it doesn't buy them good taste, civility, sanity, or perspective. If anything it seems to diminish all these things.

Now we skip ahead to today. My friend Andrew called and asked me to drive him to Kent to pick up some Mexican Amway Products for his Undocumented Boyfriend. I like Andrew and I don't get to see him much, so I agreed, despite the fact that Mexican Amway Products sounded more than a little scary, and Kent is definitely WAY more than a little scary. Despite this, off we went with the AC blasting as we are currently ensconced in a heat wave.

Kent. Kent is terrifying. Kent is the Northwest's version of a southern trailer park. In Kent the mullet is alive and well. In Kent large pickup trucks rule the roads. It's a flat flood plain, so there's nothing to look at, and for the most part it is one giant industrial park, which we drove right into the middle of to find the Mexican Amway Products. We stepped into the reception office so Andrew could place the order, and I sat to wait.

Next to me was Achmed, a north African immigrant who's order was soon announced over the PA and he got up quickly, striding from the asbestos ceilinged room to pick it up. A woman wearing a hot pink head wrap, an orange silk shawl and a green and blue flowered sarong type thing came in and sat in his place. When my eyes stopped bleeding I noticed that her hot pink head wrap was peppered with embroidered Calvin Klein logos. I did not know that Calvin Klein made a line of Muslim Head Wraps, but now I do. Very progressive of them, I thought, to be providing Muslim women everywhere with high Muslim fashion. Images of little Muslim women and children bent over sewing machines in south eash Asian sweat shops came to mind, but the irony was desturbing so I pushed them from my mind. To my right this entire time was a white woman with her three kids, two girls and a boy, ages ranging from about 6-8.

The girls were very cute little freckled kids, one blond and one brunette, with innocent large eyes, as yet untouched by the harsh realities of life, starkly unlike there mother’s. They wore unfortunate neon pink and green colored outfits, I believe Barbie was on the front of one. The little boy was about 8, blonde, and had eyes completely unlike his sisters. They were innocent still, but squashed, like his soul had been trampled on for a number of years at that point, and he had already realized the world was against him, and he was on his own. He had his mother's cell phone in his hand, and was telling her how many minutes had passed since they had arrived, every minute, on the minute, they were up to 17. Her commands to stop were ignored. When she got up to go to the bath room and took the girls with her, she handed him her purse to watch. He then began taking money out of the wallet, without shame, without self consciousness, with three of us looking on, Calvin Klein woman looking on in horror. On the coffee table in front of the family’s seats were three empty Mexican Amway No Sugar No Fat No Caffeine Strawberry Flavored Energy Drinks, and I had the vivid image of farmers of the past consuming their own crops for sustenance before they could be taken to the market for sale.

It was our turn to go pick up our Mexican Amway Products so Andrew and I made our way around the 400 lb woman coming in through the door, and drove around the corner to the loading bay. Andrew grabbed one box of sundry bath products and two boxes of Mexican Amway No Sugar No Fat No Caffeine Strawberry Flavored Energy Drinks, and we were off. When we got to the highway onramp back to Seattle, we were the only ones on it, despite heavy traffic on the road. Seems no one had reason to leave Kent that day, they had everything they needed right there.

In less than 24 hours I have moved from filthy rich to dirt poor, from upper class to working class, from security to the lack of it. But there was something vaguely similar to both places, both experiences. Both the presence of money and the lack off money had the conspicuous absence of good taste, civility, sanity, and perspective. From rich trash to white trash, these qualities seemed to be dispossessed in equal and disturbing quantities.

As I looked at both sets of people over last night and throughout this day, I couldn't help but imagine myself in their shoes, and was deeply disturbed by each option, rich and poor. Are those my two choices in life? Is that the future, if not the present I have to deal with? The main question that then came to my mind was this; is spiritually broken white trash a social and monetary inevitability, or a state of mind? Is self absorbed aloof rich trash a social and monetary inevitability, or a state of mind? Do the rich people sit around and think "my my my, but we are the MOST self absorbed asses with amounts of money starving people would die for!", or the white trash sit around and think "my my my, but we are the trashiest white trash that has ever lived, but I love me my Mexican Amway No Sugar No Fat No Caffeine Strawberry Flavored Energy Drinks, dented up '94 Ford Tempo and fanny pack!" No, but they still roll in their money, and drive their Ford Tempo.

There have been a number of occurrences lately in my life that are prodding me to take stock. A friend of mine is broke and being evicted, though his own mismanagement of his life. My roommate, at a faster rate than every before, is transforming our home into a white trash bastion of garbage, Eggo waffles, piles of old mail, dirty dishes and laundry. My car is still beat to hell, and my clothes are getting thread bare. Something needs to change. I don't want my life to ever degrade to the point that I'm getting evicted, I don't want my home to become an urban double-wide, and I don't want others too look in at my life and think "trash," rich or poor.

So I'm taking action. If the rich and poor trash lack good taste, civility, sanity, and perspective, then I will have them. I will clean my house and demand it stay that way. I will make enough money to have security, and then I will spend my hard earned money on good things, quality things, not because of what they prove to others but because of what they prove to me; that I am who I choose to be, and I refuse to be trash.

Praise the Gods!!!

I have found Religion.

Yes, that's right, I am a man of faith now, all ye who have been trying to convert me to your ways for so many many years can now end your toil, bathe your feet in the waters of success, and sit in glorious self righteous holy self satisfaction.

Sean Barker has found Zeus.

Well, Zeus and all his fabu friends. I've adopted Greek "Mythology" (for all time now to be called Greek REALITY people. Respect my beliefs. Do it.) as my faith of faiths. Ever since I was a kid I have loved reading the holy tales of Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite, Apollo, Artemis, Hephaestus (I blame him for my gayness, I read a book many years ago where he was this muscled, bearded, bearish God pounding away on some metal object on his anvil. Woof.) Athena, my my the list goes on and on of frikin' AWESOME Gods!! Why have only one?!?!? That's no party, and you have not partied until you've partied with Dionysus! That man's a FREAK!! WOOT!!

But seriously, I take my new faith very seriously, as all religious people should. I have set up an alter, I give offerings to my Gods so they will keep me safe and provide for a plentiful harvest and a fertile wife (I don't try very hard on the last one, but I read somewhere I was supposed to do it, so I obey. Kind of...). I read The Scriptures daily, basking in all the tales of the downfall of the Titians (GO ZEUS!! YOU ROCK!!), the divine parable of Cupid and Psyche, and the many and sundry sexual liaisons and rapes of and by the Gods and Heros. It's a cornucopia of blessings and faith inducing poetic prose. I'm filled with radiant happiness (and a good bit of fear, 'cause Zeus has a temper....)

You ask "how did you come to this blesséd holy revelation of spirituality and truth?", and well you should ask, my brothers and sisters. I had a dream. A vivid dream, one that resides with me even now and gives me a warm feeling, deep down, deep. Zeus came to me, in a deamlike vision. He was bold, handsome, strong, in a loosely draping toga which accentuated his pecs while only tantalizingly covering his Godly bits. He spoke to me, though it was all in Greek so I have no idea what he said, but it filled me with religious desire, cause who can resist a man with an accent? Then he took me. Yes, he made sweet Greek God love to me, and it was glorious. I think I may be carrying his child now, I expect it will spring from my head or perhaps I will vomit it out at some point, and our half- breed-demi-god-love-child will either save humanity from some evil, or will be that evil itself. One never can tell with these things, and that's half the fun!

I can hear some of you laughing out there, and I am offended. This is my belief!! This is what I hold true and holy, and what gives meaning to my life! I was lost before, but now I've found a wacky dysfunctional family of Gods and Goddesses to believe in, to give me strength and hope, and a reason to drink wine until I righteously puke my guts out. My beliefs are just as valid as yours, and I demand your respect! Or I'll fucking cut you.

Peace and love my brothers!! Death and an eternity in Hades for the rest of you!! (COOOOOL!!!, I get to damn people to Hades now!! Will the perks of religion never stop?!?!?)

Ubiquiosity

In the spirit of "language is ever evolving" and of "structuring interesting word usements", I propose this formulized communicable craftation; Ubiquiosity.

And it means this: The state in which things are no longer consciously perceived because of their omnipresence.

They say that the hearing centers in your brain block the various sounds that your body makes on constant basis, like your heart beating and often your breathing (other sounds that are regrettably sometimes subject to this censorship of the brain in some people may also include the vaporous emissions of a Mexican dinner, pulsatingly annoying laughs, and verbal idiocy.) The theory goes that if forced to listen to the constant beating of our own heart day in and day out we would be distracted (from the hunting), or driven slightly crazy, so the brain blocks the sound. This begs the question, is this internal censor is faulty in some people? It would account for some of their behavior. But I digress.

How much of the rest of the world we experience around us falls victim to a similar censorship? How many things slide past our consciousness only because out mind has become so accustomed to them, or has perhaps never experienced an alternative? Many things in life are so omnipresent that after awhile we stop paying attention to them, stop thinking about them. Often we stop realizing they even exist, that is if we ever realized their existence in the first place. That picture on the wall that you put up 6 years ago and have not looked at since, even though you walk past it every single day. There are no stars when you live in a city, so who looks for them in any given Metropolis? Who thinks about the night sky? It is so breathtaking in some places, though who living where there are starts marvel at them if they have never known anything else? There is also the fact that everywhere you go music is playing, good and bad. Everywhere. Listen sometime.

Others things are so deeply tied into our paradigm of what reality is that we can go a lifetime never really being truly conscious of their presence. Direction. Time. Our own consciousness. Cows.

Yes, cows. They're everywhere! Can you really imagine life without them at this point? How many products come from cows? So many things that we often don't even think of them as living creatures anymore, but only as inanimate automatons, if we think about them at all. What if the Cow was some exotic wild animal though, wondering the plains where no humans wanted to live? What if it was an animal that children and even adults dreamed of at night? Great mythic creatures with a holy white glow emanating from their bodies, or perhaps terrifying beasts with evil glowing eyes chasing as you flee in terror. Perhaps they tell you in the voice of your dead Great Aunt the secret family recipe for dog meat balls (this is of course assuming that dogs would take the place of cows. Pekinese makes for a-tasty-meata-balla I hear).

Let's also look at it this way; can you imagine a living creature that does not resemble, in any way whatsoever, another living creature or thing on this planet? Can you pull from your imagination something that does not already in some part exist? It is exceedingly difficult; we nearly always find a frame of reference from our reality around us. To create something from nothing, that is the definition of genius, and few can claim that title.

We do not live in a vacuum. We are inundated with experiences every second of our lives, with our only respite the few hours in the night when we fall deeply asleep. How much of the world around us, and in our own heads, do we take for granted? "Take for granted" usually brings up thoughts of "I should conserve on gas...", or "I should call my Mom....", but what about on a deeper level? What things are we so profoundly wrapped up in that we can actually no longer imagine a world without them? In addition, will we ever even be asked to imagine a world without them? Others are just as wrapped up in the ubiquiosity of reality as we are, and the questions never cross their minds, just as they may never cross our own.

So, just for fun, let's ask those questions, a bit in this blog and perhaps more through the rest of your day and week. Let's imagine, if we can, the world with or without a few things that are all around us, things that we take for granted now and could easily continue to take for granted for the rest of our lives. Bring all preconceived notions to the table, and put them out there for the world to see, and take a look at them yourself while they're there.

We’ll start easy. What if you could no longer hear? This one is fairly easy to get a taste of with the right ear plugs. But, does that really capture what it would be like to be UNABLE to hear? Even when we plug our ears our own breath and heart can be heard (despite our brains censor switch). To have no sense of hearing, to never hear the garbage truck lumber up, or the hum of electronics, the sound of music, the sound of our loved ones voices, what would that be like?

What if you couldn't see? Again, cover your eyes and it's easy enough to imagine. But that’s too easy. What if you had never been able to see? How would your world view (pardon the pun) be different? Can you even imagine how it would be different? Forget simple blindness for a moment, what if what you see now is entirely different than what other people see? Would there be any way of knowing? What if the color you see as "orange" is actually "puce" to my eyes? The names of the colors were told to us many years ago, we'd have no frame of reference to compare our perceptions of colors to. Or for a more interesting example, I imagine you’ve never though about your stereo vision, or what it would be like to not have it, but this story may change that. I love that the one guy asks the woman if she thinks she can imagine what having stereo vision is like, and she replies “of course!”, and then later has to recant when she actually experiences it. How often does reality turn out to be far different than we had imagined it would be?

What about religion? What would a world be like completely without it? Many of us live our personal lives without it, but we can’t actually escape it. It’s everywhere, and it shapes the way we all think about the world whether we a church going or not. We almost all have this generally self centered idea that somewhere out there someone or something is watching us, be it some god or maybe aliens, and they are interested in us, either because we are their dysfunctional children or because they desperately need anal cavities to probe. Many base their actions on this idea; that no matter what happens someone is watching out for us. But what if no one is? What if a cosmic father figure is merely a security blanket for the consciousness? Take away those watchers and our fate takes on a markedly different perspective, one of finite bounds as opposed to infinite. What if we’re completely on our own? Would anyone care if the human race were gone if there were no human race to care?

Our consciousness is our own, and no one else’s. Empathy allows us to imagine how someone else may think or feel, but we can never experience their mind for ourselves. We live with ourselves every moment of every day, with the occasional transcendental mediation or acid trip to take away our sense of self, we can feel isolated and overwhelmed by this at times. Do we realize that everyone else around us is dealing with similar, if not the same, emotions, thoughts, and issues? Does it cross our minds that other points of view do exist? And not "points of view" in the post-modern definition that is synonymous with "opinion", but equally valid personal views, each from different vantage points than our own. How often are we both right, yet we look at each other knowing the other is wrong? Can we, for a moment, imagine a reality where our thoughts and emotions could be shared, as readily as a hand shake or an ice cream cone? Can we imagine not having to take on faith the love someone feels for us, but actually be able to experience their feeling for ourselves? To be able to share with their soul how we feel as well?

While there are many things out there that can be chalked up as "that's just the way things are", say for example the sun rising and setting, the pull of gravity, and the inevitability of our own deaths, there are many other things that get that label erroneously. So many of the events and things that happen around us happen merely because someone made a choice, not because of fatalistic inevitability. It’s not "just the way things are", or fate, or divine intervention, but instead a decision or set of decisions was made and a result occurred. Cause and effect. Another saying, “it’s just human nature,” is equally as misleading. Human nature has been defined as a lot of things, but I was always under the impression that at the core of human nature is that we have control over our human nature. We choose, consciously. Sub-conscious be damned, we are conscious beings. But we are rarely asked to act like it.

How much of the Ubiquiosity we experience around us could be changed if we so desired it to be different? What if that silly phrase "that's just the way things are," could be said with relish, joy, and smile, instead of frustration, sadness, and abdication? As Rufus said, "Wouldn't it be a lovely headline, "Life is Beautiful", on the New York Times?” We are in control, we call the shots, we just need to open our eyes and our minds to the possibilities around us.

A Philosophy on Life

So I have been working on some long posts on the nature of congnition and the social ramifications of perseption. I know I know, too much fun for you to handle. I will attempt to keep them dry and free of life so as to keep your sides from splitting. As a pre-curser to these Posts of Excitement and Glee I am posting this, my Philosophy of Life. Some of you may have already read it, as I wrote it in 1997, but it's a fun little trifle and will lead into the next posts in an appropos manner. Enjoy!

A Philosophy on Life
as seen by the author, Sean Barker

What is the meaning of life? Many of the earth’s greatest minds have contemplated this question at one time or another, and many philosophies have emerged from their answers. For example: we are here to serve a “God” of some type before we enter a new plane of existence, or we are here only to make plastics for the Earth, since it cannot do it itself, and once it has enough it will kill us all. These two ideas are both well and good, but unfortunately they are wrong. Only I know the real meaning of life on Earth, and now I will share it with you.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of the meaning of life, there are some basic principals that one must be aware of. First you must contemplate the way that one perceives the world around you. By this I mean your senses. We have five, by most people’s account, and they all report back to the brain where they are processed and interpreted. Everything around us is merely a manifestation of sensory input. This is an important idea in understanding the true meaning of life. The brain is the key to our interaction with the “real” world. Second one must understand that we are aware of only our own consciousness and of no one else’s. By this I mean that I know I am conscious, but I have no way of knowing that you are conscious. As of yet there seems to be no proof of mind reading, so we simply have to take it on faith that you too are conscious in the same way I am (if in fact you are indeed conscious at all!)

With these two ideas securely understood we can begin to explore the true Meaning of Life.

A few basic principals surround the meaning of life. One: I am the only real consciousness here. Two: my consciousness is being stimulated at all times with sensory information by a exceedingly advanced alien race. Three: the world we call Earth, the Solar System, the Milky Way, etc., does not really exist as we know it, but is sensory information being fed to me by the alien race and their supercomputers.

We will now explore each of these points in the meaning of life. Prepare thyself!

The first point in the meaning of life is a very important one to understand. This world and all of its inhabitants are sensory information only, without real substance and without real consciousness. This isn’t to say they aren’t “human” or “alive”, for they are in most every sense of the word. For all intents and purposes, people and all other life on Earth are “alive”, in about the way a character on TV is alive, except they stimulate all five senses instead of only two. But they are unconscious automatons here to create a more real world for my existence. They, and you, are run mainly by the supercomputers of the aliens. You do your “act” or “job” when I come in contact with you, and when my interaction with you is over and you pass out of my “sensory fields”, which we will discuss later, you cease to exist except in the computer’s storage bank. There you wait until the program needs you again.

The fact that you and all the people and animals around you are not real may be disheartening and even depressing, but don’t let it be. Life can still be worth while even though you are living a fantasy without any basis in truth or substance. The computers provide a background of amazing detail for each and every person, which of course makes everything more realistic for me. Just because you now know that you really don’t exist, don’t let that stop you from leading the full and rich life that the computers can create for you. You have every right to as a character on planet Earth.

Now we will get into the heart, the “meat and potatoes” if you will, of the meaning of life. My consciousness is at every moment being fed sensory information that is the basis for this “world”. Imagine the perfect virtual reality experience and that is about what my life amounts to. Why exactly they are doing this to me I really don’t know. Most probably it is an experiment of some kind. But it could be that I am merely the toy of some young alien child, in a shoebox under the bed, there for his/her/its, pleasure. I can’t say for sure because they haven’t communicated with me yet, nor do I expect them to. It would most surely contaminate the experiment, or fun.

As you may expect this was hard for me to accept for a time. Am I supposed to base my life on the idea that some alien race is controlling and directing every facet of my life, of my world, of my existence? I know, it sounds absurd, but I am absolutely certain that it’s true. There may not be any proof of their existence or their influence, but then again there is little proof that they are NOT real, and who can argue with that?? Now I have come to accept and even rejoice in this knowledge, and have even found a deep personal fulfillment in the fact that I am special and the center of this galaxy that has been created for me. It’s really quite a nice feeling!

Now let’s talk about the world and the sensory information. There are “sensory fields”, as I like to call them, that the world exists of. Each one corresponds to a sense and no one is more important than the other. My sight field consists of what I can see, my acoustic field consists of what I can hear, and so on and so forth. Anything outside of these fields really doesn’t exist. This means that when you step out of my line of sight the visual part of your program stops. It’s like watching a movie; what’s on the screen is what you get and what is off the screen doesn’t visually matter, and for that reason might as well not be there. In this particular case, it isn’t.

This world that the aliens have created for me is amazingly complete (as you well know!). It stimulates all five of my senses at once without a break, it conforms to all the laws of physics and nature, and it has a vast and complete history full of mystery and intrigue. It might as well be real, and to me at least it is. For if you will remember the first concept that we examined, only our senses determine what is real and what is not, and since my senses are being utterly controlled, this world becomes reality. I find it fascinating!

Many people may say, “But how can you diminish this world into something created just for you as your plaything or to entertain you?!?” I’m shocked by this view! I don’t find that I am diminishing anything. It’s merely the truth, take it or leave it. I’m sure that in some way the aliens that are experimenting on me, or the alien child that is gaining amusement from me, love me in some way or they would not have given me such a neat sensory experience. Plus I can’t put too much stock in what that type of person says, since they really don’t exist and are just programmed by the computers to say things like that.

One thing that I haven’t mentioned yet, and that I would like to touch upon now, is death. Death becomes much more complicated when you realize that you aren’t really alive in this world. I expect to live a long life in this world, unless the aliens decide to cut my program short for some reason. Once my program does end though, I expect I’ll wake up and meet my alien hosts. You may wonder how I can be alive when I’ve just lived an entire life and died, and to explain we must contemplate the concept of time. Time is again merely the stimulation of the senses in a progressive order. The faster you stimulate the senses the faster time, at least the time in this world, moves. It can be compared to watching a film in fast motion. Your time is moving at what you consider normal while time in the film has increased speed. It is logical that the aliens should want to speed up my time, since I’m sure they don’t want to sit around for eighty or ninety years to experience my life when they have fast forward. Once my life in this world ends hopefully they will let me start a new one in some other world. I would hope that the next world they star me in will be better than this one, but I expect that will depend on how I have acted in this world. But then who am I to ascribe my values to a superior alien race?? I look forward now to death. I see it not as an end, but as a continuation into a new world, and how can you fear that?

Now you have an idea as to the true meaning of life. You can now continue in your program knowing the truth and not deluding yourself with fantasy. Don’t be upset that you don’t really exist. You exist to me, and that’s all that really matters. You may think that I’m insane for believing what I believe, but that’s okay, I forgive you. I know it’s the truth, and that's all I need. And who knows, maybe your character is based on a real person, and somewhere, in the real world, you do exist. Hopefully you can take comfort, if not entirely base your make-believe life, on this hope.

I would like to leave you saying that I do not think less of you just because you do not really exist. I’m sure that the aliens wouldn’t want me to do that. I will continue to live my life, experiencing as many sensory stimulations as I can, and feeling a greater sense of peace in understanding the true Meaning of Life!

Fix It List

The World needs some fixin', we have a few things fucked up. In the eyes of the Author, here are the Top 10:

1. Religion
Needs to go. We need to stop directing our lives based on myth and superstition, it's causing more problems than it solves. As religion does fulfill a need in some people, they will require a replacement. I propose Chocolate.

2. Lack of Environmental Concern.
Not much point in fixing anything if we're underwater or have no more furry animals to pet. Save the bunnies!!!! Won't anyone think about the bunnies?!?!

3. Expansionist Models
On a finite planet we are operating on infinite principles. From urban sprawl to overpopulation, we need to curb our desire to overrun all that we surveil. While it is true that I sometimes like a man on me, I'd rather not have 35 million of them...

4. Cultural Priorities

• Britney Spears - out
  
• Rufus Wainwright - in

• WWJD? - out
• WW YOU D? - in

• Monetary Greed - out
• Responsible Living - in

• Ignorant Bliss - out
• Life Long Education - in

• Stream of Consciousness Writing - out
• Lists - in

5. Self-Serving Politics
Government has more power to right wrongs than any other institution. Why then does it seem to cause more problems than it fixes these days? For insight into this perhaps a re-reading of Problem #1 would enlighten....

6. Humanity, Get Over Thyself
We are small and insignificant in the eyes of the universe. There is no cosmic father figure watching over to bail us out. We are all that we have. Perhaps it's time to start treating each other accordingly. Have you kissed a human today?

7. Flying Cars
We were promised them years ago, and yet.... While your at it, make them garbage powered.

8. Over Population
Redundant with #3 maybe, but I thought it bore repeating. There are too many of us. The number is so huge we can't even truly comprehend it any more. BILLIONS of us.... too many. Florida can only handle just so many more old people.

9. Health
We all know what we should be doing to stay healthy, but there are too many forces working against us, including our own laziness. McDonald's needs to go the way of ignorant bliss, though they are perhaps in the end the same thing.

10 HIV
I want sex and love to be fun again, and no longer scary. I want to live a normal life once more, and I want my friends to be able to as well. This thing needs to go....

So there you go, you have your orders. Now CHARGE!!

Truth FTW

From the annals "truth is stranger than fiction" come two stories, related and remembered earlier this morning, for your wonderment and amusement.

For Head Injury; Rinse, and Repeat

At 4am this morning, I drove my good friend David (aka Sable O'dessa) to the airport. He was flying to Tennessee to attend the wedding of his good friend Stan Stanley's sister's wedding. Before we get to the good part of the story a short note must be made about the Stanley family. The Stanley family lives on Stanley road. Stan's real name is not Stan, it's Rodney, which is his grandfather's name. His middle name (which escapes my memory) is his father's name. To avoid possible confusion, they call him Stan. Stan Stanley. On Stanley Road. To add to the fun, his sister's name is Ley. Ley Stanley. Together they are Stan and Ley Stanley. On Stanley Road. Wow...

In any case, while Sable and I were driving to the airport he began to relate a story to me. He does the wigs and make-up for the 5th Avenue Theatre here in Seattle, and as it is The Theater you get some very interesting folks working there as well. Including a woman who sometimes helps with the wigs and make-up, we will call her Debbie to protect her anonymity. Debbie, Sable told, was in a car accident awhile back, in which she suffered a head injury, leaving her comatose in the hospital for some time. When she awoke, and here's the good part, she suddenly possessed the chemical formulas for a line of, wait for it........... shampoo and conditioners. Fully formed. In her head.

After finishing laughing my ass off and nearly driving off the road, Sable continued. Lest you think that only the claim was made that she posses this knowledge and no proof was ever offered, she produces her head injury hair care line and gives it to people. In the words of Sable O'dessa "Her dandruff shampoo is fucking AMAZING, Sean!!!" Seems that our friend Jonathan has tried all dandruff shampoos on the market, both over the counter and prescription, to no avail. Three days with Head Injury Hair Care Dandruff Collision Shampoo and his flakes are gone. Never to return. After hearing that I was speechless, and I still am.

"I See Dead Rock Stars...."

When I was living in Montana, I had a friend named Sarah. She was a fabulous large redheaded woman, who had not had sex in many years (much to her displeasure) and who epitimized the idea of a "gay man trapped in a woman's body". In fact there was, quite amazingly, at least one gay man stuck in her body.....

Seems that, as we were all told one night a number of years ago, when Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury bit the dust in November of 1991, he possesed Sarah's body for about 2-3 weeks. What they did during that time together I have no idea, I was too stunned and tickled at the time to ask. Nor do I have any idea why Freddie chose her, especially since she had never heard any of Queen's songs before that, though I suspect it has something to do with Fat Bottom Girls making the Rockin' World Go Round. But AFTER the possession, she suddenly possessed knowledge of all the lyrics of all the Queen songs. Fully formed. In her head. While certainly not as useful as a kick ass dandruff shampoo and hair care line, this is still useful knowledge to have when faced with, say, a Killer Queen Karaoke Showdown, or when trying to impress a room full of raging homosexuals. We faggots eat that shit up.

So there you go, a little quarter sized dollop of truth for you today, right in the palm of your hand; lather, rinse, and repeat if necessary. Revelation does exist in the modern world it seems, let that fact never be questioned again. Time have changed though, as you can see; fire, brimstone, commandments, and Seven-Headed Beasts are out, Earth turning hair care products and dead homosexual rockers are in. I am profoundly grateful to be living in this far more fabulous later time.