Praise the Gods!!!

I have found Religion.

Yes, that's right, I am a man of faith now, all ye who have been trying to convert me to your ways for so many many years can now end your toil, bathe your feet in the waters of success, and sit in glorious self righteous holy self satisfaction.

Sean Barker has found Zeus.

Well, Zeus and all his fabu friends. I've adopted Greek "Mythology" (for all time now to be called Greek REALITY people. Respect my beliefs. Do it.) as my faith of faiths. Ever since I was a kid I have loved reading the holy tales of Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite, Apollo, Artemis, Hephaestus (I blame him for my gayness, I read a book many years ago where he was this muscled, bearded, bearish God pounding away on some metal object on his anvil. Woof.) Athena, my my the list goes on and on of frikin' AWESOME Gods!! Why have only one?!?!? That's no party, and you have not partied until you've partied with Dionysus! That man's a FREAK!! WOOT!!

But seriously, I take my new faith very seriously, as all religious people should. I have set up an alter, I give offerings to my Gods so they will keep me safe and provide for a plentiful harvest and a fertile wife (I don't try very hard on the last one, but I read somewhere I was supposed to do it, so I obey. Kind of...). I read The Scriptures daily, basking in all the tales of the downfall of the Titians (GO ZEUS!! YOU ROCK!!), the divine parable of Cupid and Psyche, and the many and sundry sexual liaisons and rapes of and by the Gods and Heros. It's a cornucopia of blessings and faith inducing poetic prose. I'm filled with radiant happiness (and a good bit of fear, 'cause Zeus has a temper....)

You ask "how did you come to this blesséd holy revelation of spirituality and truth?", and well you should ask, my brothers and sisters. I had a dream. A vivid dream, one that resides with me even now and gives me a warm feeling, deep down, deep. Zeus came to me, in a deamlike vision. He was bold, handsome, strong, in a loosely draping toga which accentuated his pecs while only tantalizingly covering his Godly bits. He spoke to me, though it was all in Greek so I have no idea what he said, but it filled me with religious desire, cause who can resist a man with an accent? Then he took me. Yes, he made sweet Greek God love to me, and it was glorious. I think I may be carrying his child now, I expect it will spring from my head or perhaps I will vomit it out at some point, and our half- breed-demi-god-love-child will either save humanity from some evil, or will be that evil itself. One never can tell with these things, and that's half the fun!

I can hear some of you laughing out there, and I am offended. This is my belief!! This is what I hold true and holy, and what gives meaning to my life! I was lost before, but now I've found a wacky dysfunctional family of Gods and Goddesses to believe in, to give me strength and hope, and a reason to drink wine until I righteously puke my guts out. My beliefs are just as valid as yours, and I demand your respect! Or I'll fucking cut you.

Peace and love my brothers!! Death and an eternity in Hades for the rest of you!! (COOOOOL!!!, I get to damn people to Hades now!! Will the perks of religion never stop?!?!?)