Would you like a charger with that?

I had a thought today, and it has me bothered. I am applying for graduate school conducting programs, and I must say this is not a fun thing to do. I'm applying to music conservatories, there are not a lot of good ones, and there are about 300 times more people applying than there are spots available. As any economist will tell you, that unfortunately takes the power out of the hands of the buyer (me) and puts it into the hands of the seller (The Big Music Schools). Supply and demand, and there's too much demand.

This has me worried, for a couple of reasons. First of all I don't like having to convince people that I'm worth their trouble. If they need convincing then I usually feel like they've already made up their mind about me and any more effort on my part would merely be shameful and fruitless ass kissing. While I'm all for many forms of ass kissing, the figurative version is not one I do.

Second is the fact that I have issues asking for more than I feel I deserve. Many of these schools, as with many other institutions in this country, are waiting for some of their prospective candidates to run up to them, do the aforementioned ass kissing for awhile, before they start politicing their way into the hearts and minds of those in power. I am not quite that type of person. I will send in my letter of introduction, my application, answer all questions leveled at me honestly and candidly, and wait for the system to do it's job, which is to provide a fair and balanced assertation of my qualifications as compared to, say, Suzi Wong from Manitoba who wants the same position as I do.

Perhaps I am too timid in all this. I don't demand too much for myself. I take what is given to me, if it is fair I am happy, if it's not fair I complain. A recent story to illustrate my point: I go into Verizon to get a new cell phone, where I must then buy a new charger, a car charger, and am offered about $100 more in other options, which I don't need, can't afford, but wouldn't mind having, but can't afford. While I am handing the clerk my debit card some smartly dressed woman also buying a new cell phone leads her sales rep to the "Wall O' Accessories" and says in a slightly jovial, but deadly serious voice "So, if I'm going to buy this phone from you, what are you going to give me for free?". Her clerk hands her a charger, a car charger, and about $100 more in other options, just as my clerk hands me back my now empty debit card.

Some may say, "Well get some balls man!! Ask and ye shall receive!! They're a big greedy company anyway, just there to take your money!! Get something out of them too!!" While this argument holds some appeal to me, since they are big and greedy, there to take my money, and I do want to get something more out of them, I can't quite make myself step over that line. That line that makes me in the end look just like them; like a big greedy consumer, out for all the free crap I can get, where I can stick it to them whenever I can. Where fairness is no longer the goal, where morality and subjectivity are indissoluble, and where my humanity is measured mainly by the amount still remaining on my debit card.

It is at this point that I look for solace in Karma, that cosmic righter of all wrongs. Perhaps that woman will be in a tragically ironic car accident while trying to plug in her new cell phone with her new free car charger, where she will be fine (I wouldn't wish bodily harm on anyone. Well.. there are a few people..) but her BMW will be wrecked and no one will give her a free one, and she will have to sell off her yacht to someone who low-balls her on it, and she realizes the error of her ways and founds the New Harvard School of Socially Responsible Economics, thus ushering in a new golden age of fiscal responsibility, fairness, and humanity.

I often dream big, but those dreams don't usually include the joy of me getting free crap from Verizon. Perhaps that where I'm going wrong...

Applying for graduate school is turning out much the same. I write to them in humility, imagining a level headed and fair response back to my inquiries. Something like, "Thank you for your interest, here is what we offer, here is what we would like you to do, here is what else we would like to know about you." Instead I have gotten this answer, "We are highly competitive here, our programs are for professionals, it's hard here." At this point Suzi may write back and say, "Wonderful! I'm a highly competitive person who loves being pitted against my fellow musicians in To-The-Death play offs. I love how condescending your second statement was, it will certainly drive off all those you deem to be "non-professional"!! I love hard things!!"

While I agree with her on point three, I'm not quite ready to state the other points. I'm not a wildly competitive person, and I didn't love the condescending second remark. I am a professional, I explained that in my introduction letter. Is teaching music full time not professional enough? Hmmm...

I tend to over think things ("Duh," you say, having read this far), and that is probably the case here. Everything will turn out as it will, I will do my end of the work, they will do theirs. I will stick to my morals, I will stick to respect for myself and these institutions. I will leave my fate up to Karma, and hope that perhaps Suzi decides accounting is really more her speed than music. Maybe she can get a job with Verizon, where she can then try to figure out why they're loosing so much money on their accessories...